Dear Adina,
“My daughter is very talkative. She talks to me from the minute she comes home until she goes to sleep at night. Her teachers have mentioned this to me as well. She has friends but I see that they sometimes get annoyed with her. We call her a “motor mouth” and we tell her to be quiet but that doesn’t seem to help. How can we handle this situation better?”
There are 6 steps to help your improve your daughter’s behavior:
1. Understanding Extroverts:
Everyone has different personalities and character traits. Your daughter is probably extroverted. She needs to think out loud and she likes to connect with people though talking. In order to think of how to help her we need to reframe the problem. What we really want to do is to help her to mull over her ideas quietly and find her ways to connect with others by listening.
2. Negative Labels Affect Parents Behavior:
We want to avoid name-calling or using negative labels to identify our children. Viewing your child as a “motor mouth” or a “big mouth” influences your own perception of her in a harmful way. The more we focus on a child’s negative points the more upset we get. We forget to look for solutions. As parents we have the ability to mold our child’s personality in positive ways. We also have an obligation to help our children build a good and strong self-image. By using negative labels we can lose sight of that.
3. Negative Labels Affect Children’s Behavior
Children who are teased, even good naturedly about their attributes may feel criticized. In this environment they get locked into their negative role, i.e. “big mouth.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you mention how much your daughter talks the more she will talk. She will feel hopeless to change.
4. Use Positive Labels:
To help you view your child in a better light and to give your child a boost to her self-esteem you can use positive labels to describe her. You can say she is social, expressive, assertive, honest, loves people, and a great relater.
5. Reinforce Positive Behavior:
In parenting it is best to remember, “what we mention we strengthen.” If we only focus on her negative behaviors we strengthen her negative behaviors. If we focus on her positive behaviors we strengthen her positive behaviors. In this case we want to look for times that she quietly works out her problems and when listen to others. Make sure to point it out to her kindly.
For example:
“You seemed upset about your project for school. I told you to think about it quietly so you can come up with a solution. After a minute of thinking you said that you will ask your teacher if you can do your project with a friend instead of alone.”
“I saw you listening when Grandma was telling you about the funny story that happened to her in the supermarket. You didn’t interrupt once. It is important to be a good listener.”
6. Teach Her To Respect Quiet Time:
If a child does not need their own quiet time, but needs to be around others and talk a lot, she might not understand another’s real need for quiet. You can tell her gently:
“I would love to talk to you, but I just need some quiet time right now. Give me a few minutes to read the newspaper and then I will be ready to talk. Thanks for understanding.”
“I know you want to talk to your sister, but it looks like she had a rough day and just needs to play with her own toys. Give her a little bit of time and then maybe she will be ready to talk.”
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