We all want to praise our children and build their self-esteem. Studies have shown that we are not using the right type of praise. We often use praise that comes across as meaningless to our children, “good job!”, “you are the greatest!”, “you are so sweet!” This type of praise makes children feel insecure. It is empty, mechanical, and gives children a fleeting sense of well-being.
It is better if we use praise that describes what you see your child doing and what you feel. This paints a clear picture of themselves, their accomplishments and their strengths.
For example:
“You waited your turn for computer patiently. You kept yourself busy drawing pictures so it wouldn’t be so hard to wait.”
“I had a really nice day today. All the children made an effort to get along, speak nicely to each other and there was very little fighting.”
“You hung up your coat and put your boots in the corner. It is so nice to walk into a neat mud room.”
“I appreciate the fact that you made the most of our outing today. The museum was not for your age-I know it was kind of boring- but you didn’t complain.”
“I saw that you started to say “shut up” to your sister. You caught yourself and you didn’t say it. That took a lot of self-control.”
Personally, this was one of the hardest skills for me to learn. It always felt fake a bit fake to me, but it works. Children are built up from the inside out with this type of praise.
Faber and Mazlish, in their book, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen”, say it best:
“You can take away ‘good boy’ by saying ‘bad boy’ the next day. But you can’t ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even if he was very tired. These moments, when his best was affirmed, become life-long touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement. In the past, he did something he was proud of. He has it within him to do it again.”
For more information on how to praise children effectively, check out my new book: