The Sensitive Child: Helping Him Reach His Potential

“My child gets upset about everything, her kite string breaking, her friend not being able to come over, when her oatmeal is too hot…It is exhausting!”

As we mentioned in our last few posts, when we discuss temperament and gain an understanding of how our children work, we can learn what triggers their bad behavior, and learn to manage the feelings that overwhelm them. Knowing a child’s temperament can help us engage our children’s cooperation in a way that truly takes their personality, their strengths and weaknesses into account. Instead of finding their tough behavior frustrating we can view their actions in more positive ways.

We have already talked about the temperamental traits of introversion, extroversion, intensity and persistence. Now we get to the temperamental trait of “Sensitivity.”

SENSITIVITY:
(Sheedy Kurcinka, 2006)
Sensitive children have a heightened sense of smell, hearing, taste, sight and touch. Loud sounds, smells, bright lights and crowds can overwhelm them. They have difficulty wearing short sleeves in the first few weeks of spring because they don’t like how it feels. They are selective eaters. They may not want to go out to the playground. Most importantly, they absorb emotions easily. They are saddened by bad news. They can be extra clingy or anxious around adults who are under stress. They can easily become over-stimulated, causing them to tantrum, cover their ears and refuse to participate in activities.

Many parents complain about these children:

“He spent the whole time at the circus buried in my shoulder.”
“He refused to go into the party room because of the loud music.”
The most important thing that parents need to know is that their sensitive child is not behaving this way on purpose, because they are spoiled or a crybaby, or they are just trying to bother you. It is just that they are easily over-stimulated, more so than other children. That is why they will have a tantrum, cover their ears when they hear loud music, and refuse to participate in busy activities.

The pluses to having a sensitive child are many. These children are sensitive, caring, tenderhearted, discerning. They are often able to read people and as adults may become doctors, teachers and therapists.

They need help managing Their Feelings:

We can help them by naming the sensations that overwhelm them:

“Smells really bother you”
“You feel things strongly”
“Noise annoys you”

“Sensitive kids need to possess in their vocabularies the words that help them communicate their profound emotions and sensations they experience.” (Sheedy Kurcinka, 2003)

Teaching children vocabulary words that express their emotions and sensitivities is bound to help, i.e., sad, angry, lonesome, hot, irritated, happy, scratchy, screechy, noisy, stinky, tight, sticky.

We can also teach them to recognize their warning signs and say, “This is too much for me; I need a break” or “I don’t like this” instead of whining, and crying.

It is helpful to identify their sensitivity triggers and find ways to reduce or eliminate them.

Kids can be sensitive in the following areas:

1. Sounds: Tapping, noise, crowds, loud music, sirens
We can say: “Sometimes it helps to cover your ears when you hear loud noise.” or “Sometimes it helps to leave the room when the crowd gets to be too much.”

2. Emotions: Teasing, other children crying
Teach them to stand up to themselves and ways to cheer up other children.
We can say, “A hug or a chance to play with your show and tell toy can cheer another person up.”

3. Sight: Too much TV, poor lighting
• Turn off the TV and take them outside.
We can say, “Too much TV can really hurt your eyes.”

4. Taste: New foods, mixing two foods together
We can have them pick their own food and serve it.

5. Touch: seams in socks, tags in clothing, playing in the sand, wool, finger-painting
We can give information: “When tags in your shirt bother you, it can be worn inside out.”
We can give choices: “You can play with the water table or the sandbox.”

It is also helpful to Problem Solve with them:
“You don’t like the smell of glue? How else could you make your mother’s day card?”

Children like this are often reprimanded for being too sensitive. Instead they need to be praised and appreciated for their temperament:
“You reminded Shane of the prizes she could get if she finishes her work to help cheer her up, that is called being kind.”
They need to be freed from the following negative roles:

Crybaby/Sensitive
Touchy/Compassionate
You need to get a thick skin! / Feels strongly

It is also helpful to role model how to manage hurt feelings:

“Someone called me a complainer. I was really hurt, but I said to myself, ‘that is not true, I usually don’t complain, I am going to try not to let what she said bother me.’”

When you have a sensitive child it is helpful to:
1. Select an issue that may be linked to sensitivity.
2. Can you name it?
3. Can you eliminate it?
4. Can you reduce or make adjustments
5. Choose the solution that meets the needs of everyone involved.

If the parent is sensitive:
• Try to get as much quiet time as you can.
• Have one on one time with each child.
• Take breaks
• Wear comfortable clothing

Stay tuned for our next article on the temperamental trait of “Perceptiveness”!

References:

Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2003). Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. NY. Harper Collins.
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2006). Raising Your Spirited Child. NY. Harper Collins.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.