Dear Adina, I have 5 kids ranging in age 2-11 years old. Bedtime is really difficult. No one goes to sleep when they are supposed to. It takes 2 hours for them to get settled. Then there is always the last minute whining that they need water, the bathroom or one more kiss. Is there any way that I can take control of bedtime. I always end up yelling and it is so unpleasant!
1. Two hours is normal: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but getting 5 kids into bed, can take 2 hours. Between the bathing, evening snack, teeth brushing, reading bed time books and all the other last minute things that crop up, 2 hours is pretty good. One Mom that I know told me that she would always get so annoyed with her kids at bedtime because it took so long for them to get settled. She expected it to take an hour and anytime it took longer than that, (always!) she would start to yell. She decided that for one week she was going to time the whole bedtime routine and she saw that even when the kids were well behaved, it took close to 2 hours. Once her expectations become more realistic, bedtime is truly a 2 hour routine, she became more relaxed and yelled less. Once she chilled, bedtime became a lot more pleasant for everyone.
2. Teach solution oriented thinking: Since you have some older kids, you might want to brainstorm with the whole family on how to make bed time more manageable for everyone. (Even the 2 year old can join in even if it is just to start his training how to problem solve.) This is what a brainstorming session can sound like:
Briefly, name the problem and talk about your feelings:
Parent: I am getting a bit frustrated with bed time. It seems as if it takes everyone a long time to get settled, and the last minute requests for water, kisses and bathroom runs is getting a bit much for me.
Ask them for their input: Parent: What are your feelings about bedtime? Be ready for lots of complaints, it is helpful if you write all of them down:
Kid 1: You always spend more time with Sara then me!
Kid 2: Kayla makes so much noise and I can never go to sleep!
Kid 3: What am I supposed to do? I am always thirsty before I go to sleep, I need water!
Kid 4: I don’t like sleeping without my nightlight and Kayla makes me turn it off!
Parent: I am glad you told me your feelings on this. This sounds like a big problem for you all as well. This family makes a good team, we will figure it out. Lets all think of ways to help bedtime go smoothly..
Write down all ideas without evaluating them:
Kid 1: Spend 1o minutes with me every night!
Kid 2: Get me earphones!
Parent: How about everyone gets 1 book read to them privately by me or Daddy so you get one on one time?
Kid 3: Put water near my bed!
Parent: Everyone gets to decide how many kisses they want when I leave the bedroom and that will be all until the morning.
Kid 4: Get me my own room!
Parent: Everyone needs to go to the bathroom right before bed for the last time.
Parent: At 9pm, no matter what everyone needs to settle down, its about that time that I get really tired and need to start getting ready for bed myself.
Review all the ideas: Okay let’s see what ideas we like and what we don’t like. Let’s start with, Kid 1’s suggestions, spend 10 minutes with you a night. I think we could work that out. Would it be okay if it wasn’t me sometimes but Daddy, who spends that time with you? Would anyone else want ten minutes a night?
Everyone wants that- great lets try that out and maybe that can also be the time that we read together.
Okay, I think I actually have earphones-so that can work and putting a cup of water near your bed can work too. I think someone should be responsible for that, because I will probably forget. Kid 4, thank you for volunteering to get water for everyone.
Kid 4, I dont think getting your own room is going to work- what should we do about the night light?
Kid 3 you think if we move the nightlight to a different outlet it won’t bother you so much…Okay let’s try that.
I also really want to reiterate that 9pm needs to be the final time for requests unless there is an emergency.
Alright, I think we have some good ideas, lets try those for now and see how it goes. We can meet and reevaluate next week.
What if it does not work out? There will be some confusion as you start implementing the new rules and suggestions. It does take some time for everyone to get used to new routines and they most probably will test you to see if you will stand firm behind the limits and new rules that you are trying to implement. Try to enforce the new limits: “I know you want another kiss, the problem is I gave you 2 kisses and that is it for the night. Uh oh! I see it is after 9pm, you know what that means!” If you see it isn’t really working out, and not everyone is keeping their side of the bargain you can just meet again and have another brainstorming session.
I hope this helped! Good luck! Adina
