Positive psychologist have been studying ways to help people find authentic happiness. Researchers report that, “utilizing one’s strengths correlates with greater creativity, productivity, and excellence – all ingredients of professional and career success. On the personal side, maximizing the use of personal strengths yields greater happiness and feelings of well-being”.
We can apply this principle to our parenting. According to Janet Penley of “Mother Styles”, the mother who understands her unique strengths will be more comfortable and confident in her parenting abilities. She will be more productive and will be able to better interact with her children and parent more effectively. She and her children will exhibit greater happiness and well-being.
Haim Ginott, an eminent psychologist in the 1960’s and 70’s addressed this issue of strengths in his parenting classes. One mother was feeling badly because her child had asked her to volunteer to be the class mother and she told him no. She complained to Dr. Ginott: , “What’s the matter with me?” Why can’t I be like other mothers?”
He said firmly, “A question like that only confuses. It presupposes that we should feel like other people. But we don’t. We’re not other people. We’re ourselves. You are you. We come back to the same thing again. We can only feel what we feel. And we really feel differently -each one of us does- not only about being class mother, but about everything. One mother loves to bake with her children, and another can’t stand having them underfoot in the kitchen: one loves gathering the little ones around to read aloud, another shudders at the thought. We each have our strengths and our limitations.”
How do we find our strengths, our uniqueness our individual style, so that we can parent happily, productively and effectively?
We can simply ask ourselves the following: What do I love to do for my children, what aspect of mothering comes easy to me, and energizes me? What are my talents and how do I use them to enhance my relationship with my children?
To borrow from Ginott and then get even more specific, Do you love to cook with your children or do you like to do your kitchen work alone? Do you love to read to them or does all that sitting make you jittery? Do you love nature and the outdoors or do you shrink from dirt? How about art projects, can you handle the glue the paint and the mess or would it drive you nuts? Do you enjoy your children’s spontaneous living room performances and playing dress up or are you bored to tears? Are you a thrill seeker and love taking your kids to amusement parks or do you cringe from the very thought? Is it is easy for you to drag around young children on shopping trips or does it wear you out?
There are no right and wrong answers, no judgments here. My very artistic friend spends hours before each holiday with glue, glitter and googly eyes and can’t wait for the next special occasion. I know other Moms who hate elaborate arts and crafts projects. They hand their children markers and paper. Not to worry, their children’s fine motor skills are well within normal limits.
I have one friend who loves to make and decorate birthday cakes with the birthday girl or boy- another friend who buys all baked goods. None of the children have complained on their special day. I have yet another friend who finds out what the school lunch menu is and loves to explore ways to create similar extra healthy alternatives so her child can brown bag it. Interestingly enough, in her best friend’s house the husband does all the cooking, much of it involves noodles and powdered cheese sauce. Last I checked both families are in good health.
There is a woman that I know who takes all 8 of her children on road trips at least 3 times a year- she says she has wanderlust. I know another Mom who stays at home during vacation and just lets the kids relax in their pajamas until noon. She is a homebody. All of those children are intelligent and well adjusted.
I always found taking my young children to the supermarket an exhausting experience and moved mountains never to step into a grocery store with them. My neighbor takes her children anywhere and everywhere and wouldn’t do it any other way.
Personal strengths are the things that we are naturally good at and give us energy and vitalize us. To increase our joy, contentment and pleasure in our children and our families we need to cultivate and build our parenting strengths. Ultimately it is this simple: The key to our happiness and ultimately to our children’s happiness is to find what we love about mothering and do more of it.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1990) Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. NY: Avon Books
Lopper, J. (2009) Personal Growth and Development with Strengths. Suite101.com. Retrieved 5/1/10.
Penley, J. (2006). MotherStyles. MA: Perseus Book Group