When parents ask me, ” How do I teach my child to be kind?” I tell them, instead of focusing on the times your child is unkind, be on the lookout for any little act of kindness on their part. Point it out to them. Try to ignore the times that they are unkind. When we give attention to their negative behavior we inadvertently reinforce their negative behavior. When we only focus on their positive behavior we reinforce their positive behavior. Sounds crazy, but it is true. It takes a while to retrain our brains to look for the good but it is well worth the effort.
Here are some examples:
1. “You paused the DVD so your sister could go to the bathroom and not miss the show. That’s called being kind”
(You can say this even if they argued before about it and he didn’t want to pause the tape, it is what he did in the end that counts.)
2. “You helped Mikey carry his poster board on the bus, because he couldn’t carry all his stuff. That’s called being kind.”
3.”You handed him his snack, that’s called being kind.” (Even if she said to you, “Why do I have to give him his snack? Why do I have to do everything around here?”)
4.“You reminded her to do her homework, that’s called being kind.” (Even if he was doing it to bully her and be a tattle tale.)
If you feel your child is being unkind and you need to admonish them, always start off with a positive reminder:
“You know how to be kind- Tara needs her shoes and hiding them is making her mad.”
“You know how to be kind- It is Zack’s turn on the computer- teasing him that you are never going to get off- is hurtful and frustrating.”