I am reading a great book “The Curse Of The Good Girl” by Rachel Simmons. It is a fascinating read and I highly recommend it. I hope to write a series of posts on what I have learned.
One of the more interesting discussions in her book revolve around helping girls to be emotionally intelligent by teaching them about Inside Feelings and Outside Feelings. Often times when girls are asked to express their negative feelings, they say they are “angry” “annoyed” or “frustrated.” They are limited in their ability to talk about their more sophisticated emotions or where their anger stems from. (I think adults are too!)
Simmons states that, “Anger is know as a “secondary emotion”; we always feel it on the heels of another emotion. We usually feel embarrassed, offended, or disrespected first, then revert to prickly anger to protect our more tender feelings.”(See another post about how this effects our parenting here..)
When a person is upset and you observe them, you usually can physically see their Outside Feelings of anger, frustration and annoyance. Their face turns red, they sigh heavily and their eyes narrow.
What we don’t see is the persons Inside Feelings which are usually, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, guilt, anxiety and fear.
When people fight and more particularly girls they usually just express and show their Outside Feelings. Outside Feelings almost always trigger a defensive reaction of anger in the other person. Simmons suggests that we need to show and express our Inside Feelings, instead, hurt, embarrassment and guilt etc. Sharing Inside Feelings can almost always diffuse conflict, and create feelings of connection. She quotes, “As a wise 5th grader once told me, feelings are like mirrors: Give an Outside Feeling, get an Outside Feeling reflected back. Give an Inside Feeling, and maybe you’ll get one in return.”
Simmons goes on to list:
Outside Feelings:
Frustration
Anger
Irritation
Annoyance
Rage
Disgust
Outside Body Language:
Rolling eyes
Shifting weight
Turning away
Slouching
Hand on hip
No eye contact
Inside Feelings
I don’t think this information is just for girls. It can help all of us in all our relationships. This can help us recognize when people are angry they are usually hiding their more vulnerable feelings. Knowing this invites us to handle our most difficult interactions in more gentle and compassionate ways.