Dear Adina,
My 7 -year old daughter is switching to a new class this year with a new group of girls, some of whom she’s already met over summer camp. The last class she was in was comprised of more bossy girls and she’d come home telling me the girls were hurtful or would not play with her. I’m hopeful the new class will be a better fit, as the girls are more friendly and less competitive. By nature my daughter is more sweet and thoughtful. She is very bright and less of a leader, more of a follower type. She is nervous and anxious about making the switch. Do you have any advice as to how I can help her acclimate to her new class? Any ideas on how to help her forge new friendships? I’ve already arranged play dates with a handful of the new girls, but so far she has had one play date. As a mother, what tools can I give my daughter before entering the first day?
-From a mother who only wants to see her kids happy
Here are some ideas how you can help you daughter manage social situations:
1. Just listen:
Being a good listener is easier said then done. It is hard to see our children unhappy or struggling. What they need most from us as parents is a safe space to vent their feelings. No advice, no interventions, just listening.
Many times a conversation with our daughter about their friends goes like this:
Daughter: “Sara was mean to me.”
Mom: “I don’t know why you play with that girl. You are always complaining that she is not nice to you. You need to find someone who is truly a good friend.”
Daughter: “There is no one else to play with!”
Mom: “What about Kayla? What about Shana? You never play with Rachel, you used to play with her a lot…”
This kind of conversation shuts down the channels of communication. Although the above fictitious Mom is trying to be helpful, her underlying message is, “You don’t know how to be a friend or manage friendships.”
What our daughters need most is for us to carry on a conversation that gently reflects what they are saying:
Daughter: “Sara was mean to me.”
Mom: “That could be upsetting..”
Daughter: “Yeh, she said that she got a new jump rope and she didn’t want anyone to play with it.”
Mom: “Oh, a new jump rope…”
Daughter: “Yeh, if I had a new jump rope, I would let her play with it..”
Mom: “You would feel comfortable sharing a new toy with a good friend.”
Daughter: “Yeh, maybe when it’s not so new, she will let me play with it.”
Mom: “Maybe…”
When we empathize with our daughters and reflect back what they are saying, they can hear themselves think, they are also more likely to come to their own conclusions on how to manage their own social situations.
To help them further, we can also ask them, “Do you want to vent or do you want advice?”
When we empathize and take the time to listen we send our children the following message, “This is not a bad situation, you can handle this, you can manage this friendship and make good decisions about your friends.” Unless we know for sure that there is overt bullying going on, this is the best course of action.