Dear Adina,
I have 4 children. One of my daughters is 11. She is always interrupting conversations and telling us and her siblings her opinion. She is very bright and she does have good ideas, but the way she gives over her opinion annoys her siblings. They call her a “know it all” and a “show off.” I told her that we she does annoys her siblings, but that does not seem to help. What can we do to help her get along with her siblings?
Thanks for your question. This may sound counterintuitive, but to change a daughter’s behavior, don’t tell her what she is doing wrong, tell her what she is doing right.
Here is what I mean:
Your other kids have inadvertently placed her into the role of “know it all” and “show off” just by calling her those names. They think of her in that way and even you as the parent can start to view her in this negative way. Unfortunately, she also begins to think of herself in that way. Often times children become the labels that they are called. If that’s what her siblings think of her than that is how she starts viewing herself. It becomes a part of her self-image. She then naturally works to perpetrate that role.
You as the parent need to work hard to eradicate the role in which she has been placed. As a parent, you are a chauffeur, cook, maid and now you can add one more title to your resume, PR agent. You need to launch a campaign to change her negative image. To do that you need to find that times that she is acting “right” and point it out to her and everyone around her.
In this case when she does not act like a “know it all” or a “show off” you want to make a big deal about it and point it out to her.
For example:
Instead of: Try this: (Even if she just stopped talking to take a breath)
If she lets someone else answer a question, you can say:
“I saw you knew the answer but you didn’t say anything- you let Tami answer instead”
If she lets someone else have a chance to shine:
“You wanted to tell everyone about your science project but you saw that Sam was so excited, so you let him tell us about his soccer game.”
If she starts to brag and stops herself (even if it is because you gave her a look) you can say quietly: “You wanted to tell everyone that you got a good report card but you realized just in time that you should keep that information to yourself.”
Try to move away from using negative labels in your home. Instead teach your kids about how important it is to cultivate good character traits. The best way to do that is not by lecturing but by pointing out to them when they have acted in a positive manner. For example, you can praise them for using the following attributes:
Patience: “I know you really wanted my attention, thanks for waiting, I appreciate your patience”
Respect for parents: “I know you were upset but you still were able to ask me respectfully for computer time”
Respect for siblings: “You needed that book from his room, instead of just walking in, you knocked on the door and asked nicely for it.”
Helpful: “You set the table – that was helpful”
Consideration for others: Your friend, Sara is allergic to peanuts and you found he another snack to eat.”
Sibling issues are tough. In our “How To Handle Sibling Rivalry Without Losing Your Mind” workshop, we tackle the hard stuff and help you help your children get along.
Let us know of other sibling issues that you are experiencing and we will try to figure out a great solution for you and your family.