I am having a hard time with my 7 year old daughter. Yesterday was particularly difficult. I made her a beautiful birthday party with the exact cake that she wanted. She has very generous grandparents and got all the presents she had asked for. After everyone left she had a major meltdown. She said she hated her party and her presents were stupid. I was so angry I sent her to her room. How can she be so selfish? How do I teach her that what she did was wrong?
Your daughter probably has a sensitive temperament. Sensitive children have a hard time with change, too much stimulation, too much sugar and being in crowds.
The excitement, stimulation of a birthday party might have been just too much for her. Instead of calling her selfish, let us give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she is just sensitive. Changing the label of her behavior from negative to something more positive will help you assess the situation in a calm way.
Children who have a sensitive temperament often don’t have the words to describe what they need or the feelings that are going on inside them. She can’t say “Mommy, this is too much for me, too much noise, too much stuff, too many people talking to me, I just need place to calm down.” Instead she may lash out and say “This party and these presents are stupid” In child’s speak it is sort of the same thing.
Don’t react to her words and what she is saying; look beyond what she is saying to what she really needs.
When in doubt always empathize. Empathy helps calm the child and diffuse conflict:
“This party was not exactly the way you wanted it”
“ It was a little too much for you, sometimes birthday parties are fun and sometimes they can be overwhelming”
“You wish the party had been different”
“Sometimes after so much excitement our bodies want quiet and calm, maybe quiet time with Mommy and hugs.”
As you are speaking to her in this soothing way you can hug here and slowly get her into the bath- another calming activity- slowly get her into her pajamas and into a quiet room- all the time reflecting back her feelings to her. She might still be crying and complaining about the party but when a child is upset it is not the time to make judgments or criticize or teach her about being appreciative. Your objective is just to get her calm.
When she is calm, and it can even be the next day, ask her if she has a minute to talk.
You can then use the sandwich technique, an effective way to admonish a child.
Start with the positive: (think of a time she did act appreciative)
“ I have heard you say thank you and be appreciative of all the things you have- the last time Grandma bought you a present you gave her a huge hug and kiss”
Criticize briefly:
“Yesterday you said something about the birthday party, how you didn’t like it and you didn’t like your presents. I worked very hard on that party and the people who came, spent time thinking about gifts you would like. It made me sad and upset when you said you didn’t like it” (Keep the negative brief)
End with the positive:
“I know next time you will be able to handle yourself better and remember to say “thank you” with that big smile you have.”
As she grows, try to make sure she has the vocabulary to explain the feelings that she is experiencing. It is very hard as a child to manage feelings of overstimulation.
“The lights are too bright in here”
“The noise is so loud it is hurting my ears”
“This shirt is too rough, the itching is driving me crazy”
Once she has the words to describe her inner world, it is very possible her tantrums and poor behavior will abate.
It is always important to treat all children and their problems with curiosity. What is the real problem here, and how do I manage this effectively. Responding with anger generally does not help. Empathy, kindness and calmness will allow you to be a role model for her on how to comfort herself and respect others and their feelings.