Dear Adina,
My daughter is seems to have low self-esteem. She says things like “I am so stupid.”
“I am not as pretty as so and so” or “I can’t do anything right”etc. I keep on telling her she is pretty and smart and fun; she gets annoyed and says “you just say that because you are my mother!”She does have friends and is a decent student, A’s and B’s and she has a great personality. How can I get her to stop putting herself down?
Thanks so much for your question. It sounds like your daughter is quite normal. Kids usually tend to be hard on themselves. As a parent we definitely want to help our kids have a good sense of self. We also want to help them become acquainted with their strengths.
The problem is that kids won’t listen to us when we speak to them in a direct manner. Your daughter is on target when she protests and refuses your compliments. Most kids feel and rightly so, that their parents are biased. So, we parents are unable to build our kids self-esteem with outright compliments. Talking to our kids, especially when we want to build our kids self-esteem, needs to be done in a clever and indirect manner.
First, we need to know that when we praise or compliment our children we don’t want to use judgement statements or evaluate their behavior:
“ You are so pretty.”
“You are so smart.”
“You are the funnest kid!”
This type of praise is seen as mechanical and empty, it gives children a fleeting sense of well-being. It also makes children uncomfortable and defensive. We want to be more descriptive when we praise our children. This will give them a positive picture of their capabilities and will truly boost their self esteem.
It is also helpful to make a list in your head of the character traits that you would like your child to espouse. I know I want my kids to be helpful, kind, responsible and independent. Those are just some of the virtues I would like to reinforce in my home. So when I do praise my children I try to focus on their actions that exemplify those traits.
The following are examples on how we can accomplish this:
Instead of:
“You are so pretty”
Be descriptive and remind her of the times that she was helpful:
“Remember the time, I couldn’t find my earring and you looked all over the place and found it. That was helpful.”
Instead of:
“You are so smart.”
Be descriptive and remind her of her ability to work independently:
“I remember your last essay that you wrote for English class. It showed that you really felt Anne Frank’s plight and frustration. You read the book, did the research and edited it yourself.”
Instead of:
“You are the funnest kid!”
Be descriptive and let her know you appreciate the times when she was kind:
“Thanks for trying to cheer Ben up before. He was really down. Your sense of fun helped him get out of his funk.”
Instead of :
“You are the greatest!”
Be descriptive and acknowledge the times she was responsible:
“You got up yourself with your alarm clock, got yourself breakfast and were ready to go at 8am. That shows responsibility.”
When we praise descriptively we give children tangible pictures of their abilities and accomplishments that they can return to over and over again when they are feeling unsure of themselves and let down.
I know as the mother of a daughter that I want her to feel beautiful. Again, especially girls will not accept compliments on their looks from their parents. When your daughter compares her looks to others you can try to say:
“I am not sure that this can help, but to me you are beautiful inside and out.”
For more information you can join our new class,
Monday, October 22, 2012
Character Counts: Building Character Strengths In Our Children
Good Luck,
Adina