Can You Punish Your Teen? A Better Way

My daughter drove home from a party after curfew with 2 friends in the car. This is illegal in our state. She was honest with me and told me what happened. Her friend was drunk and my daughter volunteered to drive her home. I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I commend her for driving her friend. However, I am scared to death about the crowd she is hanging out with, the drinking, the parties and her driving illegally. I grounded her but how do I get her not to do this again?

Punishment and grounding teenagers is a popular method with parents but it generally does nothing to support our cause. Most psychologists agree: punishment only makes kids lie more and devise sneakier ways to do what they want to do. What we need to do is reach their conscience and give them the skills that need to cope with their challenges of high school, peer pressure, sex, drugs and drinking.

When dealing with teenagers it is critical to keep the lines of communication open. All your effort should be directed to this goal.
To do this tell your teen what you told me, in neutral and non-accusatory language. Then you can direct the conversation to a respectful problem solving session.

Start with the positive:
“We are glad you told us what happened. We appreciate your honesty.”
“A part of me is proud and glad that you helped a friend. You sensed that she shouldn’t drive and that is called being responsible. The other part of me is very concerned that you risked your license and your safety to do that.”

If you need, take time to calm down:
“We need time to think about this. This is really serious stuff and we need a little bit of time to mull it over. I want you to also think about some things you can do so this won’t happen again in the future.”

When you are ready and she is available to talk, you can start problem solving:

Have her talk about her feelings, don’t interrupt and don’t judge:
“We want to hear your side of the story and how you feel about all this.”

Talk about your feelings, keep it short and to the point:
“We have 3 concerns about what you have told us, going to parties where teens are drinking, having friends that drink, and driving illegally after curfew.”

Invite her to brainstorm with you:

“Listen, we have sort of forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager. We need your input. What do you think we should do about this? What can you do and what can we do as parents in the future to make sure you are safe? We are not grounding and punishing you, you are too old for that. It is just going to make you angry. You need to learn how to make your own decisions and make the right decisions.”

Listen to what she has to say with respect and reflect her feelings: (even if she dismisses your worries)
“You feel like we shouldn’t worry”
“You are 16 and you feel like you can take care of yourself”

State your values in a neutral manner:
“Our family values are, and we hope you agree, that we do not engage in illegal behavior. We know you were in a rough spot, next time we need to know that you will come up with another solution, call her Mom, call us etc……”

“We feel it is important that you know how to withstand peer pressure if you are going to be with teens who are doing drugs or drinking. What kind of strategies do you have to do that?”

To open up more conversations about teen life, you can ask:
“What do other kids do when their friends drink?”
“What do you think the biggest struggles teens have these days?”

Bradley, M. (2003). Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy. WA: Harbor Press.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.
Ginott, H. (1971). Between Parent and Teenager. NY: Avon Books.