Instead of: Try:
I am always looking for new techniques to use to help us better communicate with our kids and build their self-esteem. As you know I am a big proponent of praising your kids effectively. That means avoiding pat phrases or superlatives,like, “Good job” or “You are the best!”
In order to be meaningful and effective, praise should highlight a specific action and the attribute that your child used in order to fulfill that action. For example:
Instead of:
“You are such a good sister!”
Try:
“You said, ‘Does anyone mind if I have the last pudding?’ That is called being considerate.”
Instead of:
“You are so sweet!”
Try:
“You said ‘No, thank you.’ That is called being polite.”
We don’t need to stop there. Another way we can praise children is to ask them questions about how they felt about their successes.
My daughter was just working on a story about ice skating for Language Arts. She read it to me and asked, “Mommy, do you like it?”
I described what I enjoyed about the piece, “I liked the way you described how to stop yourself from falling, by bending your knees and that you loved learning how to spin on the ice” I then remembered to add, “But, the real question is how did you like what you wrote?”
She thought about if for a second and said, “I like to write about ice skating.”
When our kids ask us “Mommy, how did you like how I played today? Did you like my soccer game?” We can turn their question around and ask, “What did you like about your soccer game?”, “What was the best part about getting to play in the championships?”,”What was the most important thing your team did in order to prepare for the big game?”
When we ask our children these types of questions, we teach them the following:
- Self-evaluation skills: This helps them learn to assess themselves and their accomplishments instead of relying on others.
- To have a strong self-image: They are encouraged to internalize what they observe about their own achievements.
- Success comes from their inner strengths: They have all the ingredients they need to succeed within themselves. They need to look inward in order to move forward in life.
I know it sounds heavy, but it works. Praising specifically and asking thought provoking questions is the true way to build your child’s self-esteem.
For more great tips like these, sign up for our weekly newsletter at ParentingSimply.com