The past few weeks I have been hearing from many mothers the same question:
“I am learning all these new communication skills in your classes and they have been extremely helpful, when I am calm. When I get angry or after my child has misbehaved it is tough to remember all these techniques. Basically in the heat of the moment, I don’t know what to do! Any ideas that can help?”
This is a great question. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Anger Does Away With Reason
Parenting does not happen when you are angry.
Nothing can really be done in the heat of the moment because you truly have lost your ability to think straight.
Experts call this response the “Amygdala Hijack”.
The Amygdala is a part of your brain that protects you when it senses you are under attack or you are threatened. It moves you into “flight or fight, or play dead” mode by sending hormones to shut off the part of your brain that takes care of rational, logical thinking, the prefrontal cortex.
We use the prefrontal cortex to make judgments, consider the consequences of our actions and decisions, and build relationships. So when you are angry, it feels like you can’t think straight because your brain actually won’t let you.
2. Why Does Your Child’s Action Make You Feel Under Attack Or Threatened?
The next thing we need to explore is why when our children misbehave, do we feel threatened or under attack.
In the book “The Curse of The Good Girl” Rachel Simmons says, “Anger…is known as a ‘secondary emotion’; we always feel it on the heels of another emotion. We usually feel embarrassed, offended, or disrespected first, then revert to prickly anger to protect more tender feelings.”
When our kids misbehave we also feel as if we have little control over their behavior. How are we going to get them to do what we need them to do, get into the car to get to school, eat their dinner, or into bed? This feeling of not being in charge can also contribute to feeling angry.
Embarrassment, hurt, disrespect, and feeling a lack of control of a situation are tough feelings to experience, they make us feel helpless. According to Sara Chana Radcliffe, “Helplessness – the victim position – is such a vulnerable state that the human organism does everything possible to defend against it.” Anger, we think, helps us defend against this vulnerable state. In true life-threatening experiences, when you are actually vulnerable, anger can save your life, but in human relationships, it is rarely effective.
When your child misbehaves and you get angry, it is worth it to see what is behind this emotion. Are you embarrassed because people will think you are not a good mother? Are you offended because you feel like your child is doing it to hurt you? Do you feel it is an act of disrespect on your child’s part, he/she is not being mindful of your status as their parent? Do you feel like you have no control over the situation?
Wait there is more…
Anger Can Also Be A Result Of Feeling Anxious, Worried, And Scared.
When my kids come home late, or I can’t get in touch with them, I feel all that and more. When they walk in that door, my gut reaction is to yell at them in anger, “Where were you?!?!”
What if we are tired, hungry, or overwhelmed? That can also tip the scales. Things that might not seem so bad one day can seem awful when you are not feeling your best.
For me, it is usually the first, embarrassment. I feel as if I get embarrassed more easily because as a parent educator I feel strongly that my kid’s actions reflect my parenting abilities. I also get angry, when I feel like I have no control over a situation when I don’t think I have the inner resources or energy to get my children to help out, clean up, get to the dinner table, etc. Once I am tired, hungry, or feeling overwhelmed, forget it…
The First Step In Dealing With Anger Is To Know What Feeling Anger Is Masking:
- Embarrassment
- Feeling Disrespected
- Lack of control
- Worry
- Fear
This will give you some more information on how to manage your anger.
Our next post will discuss how to use this information to help you deal with your anger…
Want to learn more? Get started learning the ways to becoming a calmer parent today in my latest class, Simple Ways To Parent Without Anger.