I asked the following question to my Facebook friends:
“What are some of the tough behaviors your kids might exhibit?”
One Mom said, ” My son, Eli, who is 5 years old, is always saying “no” when I ask him to do something. It drives me crazy.”
This is a behavior that most parents can admit having to deal with. It is also one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting.
In our “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen” workshop by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish given at a local school, we discussed ways to improve a kids most difficult behavior.
As I said in my last post, in order to improve kid’s behavior we need to think about what role they have been placed in. In this situation, Eli, is acting defiant and stubborn
It is always good to look at the positive aspects of Eli’s role. We can say that he likes to be in charge. He is persistent and somewhat courageous.
If that is the case then Eli needs help feeling in control and making choices for himself.
Faber and Mazlish provide parents with skills that can help improve a child’s behavior. Here is how we can use those skills in this situation:
1. Model The Behavior You Would Like To See:
If you, the parent, are ever in a situation where you would like to say “NO” but you don’t, tell your child about it. Let him see that their are other options then just being defiant when you don’t want to do something you should do.
You can say:
“Daddy asked me to pick up batteries for him at the store. I wanted to say no, but instead I said nicely, ‘Is it possible that you can do that yourself. It would be hard for me to get to the store today.”
2.Put child in new situations where they can see themselves differently:
Try to find a positive situation where your child needs to listen to direct commands and obey. For example, if your child likes to help you with home improvement projects, he would be happy to be obedient. You can say:
“I need you to help me fix the bathtub. We are going to have to work quickly. When I ask you for the tools and the caulking you are going to have to give them to me right away. I need you to listen and obey me without question when we are working on this.”
Then when he does respond to your requests with a “no” you can say, “I know you can listen and do what I ask you to do. Remember when you helped me with the bathtub. You can do the same thing now.”
3. Problem Solve:
You can also invite your child to come up with some solutions on how he can listen better. You can say:
“If you don’t want to do something I ask, can you think of a more respectful way to let me know?”
4. Give choices:
Choices help kids feel in charge and they don’t feel as if they have to fight you to be in charge.
Instead of Direct Commands: Give choices:
Defiant kids can be tough, but they have tremendous strengths. It feels great when you can figure out ways that you can work together without any hard feelings.