Parents often want to know why their kids lie, make ridiculous excuses for their bad behavior, or won’t take responsibility when they have done something wrong. It’s because kids do not like the feeling of shame or embarrassment, and neither do adults. They will do everything they can to protect themselves from feeling that way. That is why they will:
Deny the deed: “I didn’t break the window!”, “I didn’t have the last cookie!” I didn’t say anything to him to make him cry!”
Rationalize the deed: “Everybody else was not listening to the teacher!”, “She took the toy from me yesterday, so I took it from her today!” “Everyone takes the toys from school!”
Have Selective Amnesia: “You never told me I couldn’t watch the video!”, “You never told me to fold the laundry!”
Reverse cause and effect/ Deny cause and effect:”My teacher hates me and always picks on me that is why I got in trouble.”
“She took the vase, so I grabbed it back and it broke!”
Ascribe volition to objects: Instead of “I lost my watch” children say, “My watch got lost.”
Instead of “I spilled the juice.” “The juice spilled.”
We need to be careful when admonishing our children that we don’t shame them, so they don’t need to resort to any of the above tactics. In our Parenting Simply Foundations Class, we learn some simple ways to do just that.
You can get the recordings right here:
Parenting Simply Foundations Class
Adapted From: Raising Children Who Care: A Jewish Guide To Child Rearing by Miriam Adahan