Is your child a drama queen? Does he play hard, laugh loudly and make a lot of noise?
If you answered yes to the above. You most likely have an “Intense” child.
In the past few posts we have discussed the topic of temperament to help us understand our kids better and how temperament impacts on parenting. We have already talked about the temperamental traits of introversion and extroversion. This post will highlight “Intensity.” As in previous posts we will describe the characteristics of the temperament; identify triggers that can be potentially troublesome for children, causing tantrums, non-compliance and power struggles.
INTENSITY:
(Sheedy Kurcinka, 2006)
CHARACHTERISTICS OF TRAIT:
Children who are intense play hard, are noisy, laugh loudly, and sing at the top of their lungs. You can feel them when they enter a room. They are the drama queens. But there are also children who are quietly intense; they assess each situation as if developing a strategy.
It is sometimes helpful to keep in mind that intense children mature into adults who are passionate about their work, i.e. the tireless volunteer and people who follow through from beginning to end. They have great abilities to motivate others. They are performers, effective orators and leaders.
Children who are intense are so because physiologically their bodies react more than those of cool children. They experience more physical stress. When they experience emotions, their bodies produce more hormones, signaling the brain to impose the flight or fight response. Because of this surge of hormones, it is harder for them to turn off their stress response. Children who are intense have trouble managing their overwhelming emotions.
Triggers for bad behaviors:
Children will have more intense reactions to disappointment; change of plans, and even fatigue. Getting out in the morning and coming home from school are particularly difficult for these children.
Managing Their Feelings:
A. Give them positive words to describe their intensity:
enthusiastic, expressive, full of energy.
B. Help them name the sensations they feel:
“You do things with zest.”
“You feel passionately about things that are important to you.”
“You have energy all over your body.”
C. Teach them what triggers their intense reactions – disappointment, fatigue, and too much stimulation.
“When you are disappointed sometimes it feels as if your whole body gets sad and mad.”
D. Teach them to learn their warning signals:
1. “Listen to your body.”
2. “Is your volcano getting ready to erupt?”
3. “Do you feel butterflies in your stomach?”
EFFECTIVE CALMING STRATEGIES: FOR REDUCING THE INTENSITY:
A. EXERCISE – For example: dancing, tumbling or running.
B. REPETITIVE MOTION (especially of the jaw) – using a straw, sucking on a hard candy, chewing gum (also used to increase attention and focus to task), swinging.
C. DEEP BREATHING – yoga, blowing bubbles
D. SENSORY ACTIVITIES – shaving cream, rice, playdoh
E. CHANGING THE SCENE – giving them the space they need to calm down
F. LISTENING TO MUSIC
Teach them to request a calming activity, “I need to take a break” or “ Can I listen to my music or play with bubbles” (et. al.)
Their behavior can lead adults to become easily frustrated. Instead of running to punish behavior we can find alternatives. One helpful idea is to give them choices that will encourage kids to find something to calm to do:
Offer choices:
a. Do you want to exercise or would you like to take a break?
b. Do you want to take some deep breaths or have a stick of gum?
Another idea is to involve them in simple problem solving:
“You seem like you are getting upset, what do you think would help?”
Praise
We want to make sure to praise them for their ability to catch themselves before they lose it and for their ability to calm themselves down.
“You were able to calm yourself. You started to get upset and you remembered that taking a break would help calm you.”
Freeing Children from Negative Roles:
They need to be freed from the following negative roles:
Troublemakers/Dramatic
Loud/Expressive
Annoying/ Likes attention.
Be a Storehouse for Their Special Moments:
“Your Mom told me you lost the dodge ball game. Even though you were upset you sat on the side quietly until it was time for the next game”
If you, the parent, are intense:
Find ways to lower your intensity – breathing, taking a break or taking a walk. Learn what triggers your intensity. If you need to yell, try to remember to use “I” statements.
Stay tuned for our next post in the series on “Persistence”!
References:
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2003). Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. NY. Harper Collins.
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2006). Raising Your Spirited Child. NY. Harper Collins.
Olsen Laney, M. (2002). The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. NY. Workmen Publishing Company.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.