“Mom, I need new jeans!”
“This is so out of style! I can’t wear this!”
“I need to go shopping! I have nothing to wear!”
Does this sound familiar? I only have one daughter but this seems to be a common refrain. Supposedly, its not only girls who complain, boys might do it too, just in different ways. Many parents are equal parts baffled and annoyed by this obsession with clothes.
As I have mentioned in previous posts,I am always curious what the intent is behind a child’s most difficult and tiresome behavior. A child’s behavior is usually not “bad” but driven by a need that must be met. What is it about clothing and the latest fashions that have kids pining and whining for more?
In Richard Lavoie’s book, “It So Much Work To Be Your Friend: Helping The Child With Learning Disabilities Find Social Success” he explains the importance of clothing in society, “… non-verbal communication involves artifactual systems. This refers to our use of artifacts to communicate with others. These artifacts may include clothing, hairstyles, jewelry, hats, handbags, or makeup. People generally use these forms of non-verbal language in a purposeful and intentional way in order to express their values, attitudes, feelings, and status. Clothing is also used to communicate age, gender, role, socioeconomic status, personality and group membership.”
I guess the famous quote by Mark Twain, “Clothes make the man.” is true. However, no one seems to feel it more keenly than teens. Richard Lavoie says that about 50% of shoplifters are teens and the most common items they steal are clothes: jackets, sneakers and hats. He goes on to explain that “this reflects the adolescents desperate need to have artifacts that identify and classify him.”
This obsession that teens have for clothes now makes sense. (I knew there was a reason behind this seemingly unreasonable behavior.)Teens are trying to find themselves and develop their identity Clothing reflects a teens attempt to become their own person; to learn what is unique about themselves in relation to others. Clothes becomes a prop, they are communicating their struggle to individuate.
Yet, there is another piece to this puzzle that may sound contradictory. During the childhood years, parents and siblings provide emotional support for kids. As kids becomes teenagers they move away from their parents and look for emotional support from their peers. They tend to find themselves in a clique and they have a strong need to identify within that clique. As we said before, clothes are used to show membership in a group. So, kids wear the clothes of their group; the “jocks” might all wear the same brand of sneakers. Furthermore, Teens will also wear clothes to show rejection of a clique that is not their own, they might wear jeans and t-shirts instead of khakis and button down shirts because they don’t want to be confused with the “nerds” or the “brains.”
Adding to this, Teens also may have a overblown sense of their own importance and think that everyone is looking at them. That is just one more reason why they may spend so much time and effort on their clothing.
Finally, kids who have the “right” clothing within their clique or subgroup feel more confident and are usually more socially successful.
I can see this with my own behavior. For one thing, this explains why before weddings, bar mitzvahs and school dinners etc.,I will often call my friends to find out what they are wearing or the host to find out the dress code. It is difficult to show up to an event wearing the “wrong” clothing. When we are dressed appropriately for our environment we feel more at ease and self-assured.
One more point needs to be said, children and teens who have poor social skills may have a hard time reading the unspoken rules of fashion. They may not understand that clothing does send a message and they can get it wrong, leading to social isolation and failure.
The reasons for kids obsession with clothes seems complicated, so I am going to sum it up here: Kids seem to be obsessed with clothes because they are:
1. Trying to express their individuality and uniqueness.
2. Trying to identify with their peer group.
3. Rejecting the peer subgroup with which they do not identify.
4. Dealing with overblown sense of self- and feel like everyone is looking at them
5. More confident when they are wearing the right clothing for the right occasion
Now that we have laid it all out here, I am trying to figure out how we can approach the whole clothing issue in a more effective, compassionate way. Knowing this information helps me respect my kids need for clothes but do I have to buy them everything just so they will fit in? I am going to think on this a bit and would love to hear what you think! Leave a comment below!
One Response
Thankyou. I am going through this with my 12 yo girl. Every day she says she needs something. It’s nice to look at the reasons behind this rather than just be frustrated.