As my kids get older, I see that we need to take a more long term approach to parenting. I have spent so much of my parenting life trying to stop their bad behavior, the tantrums, the shirking of chores, the fighting with friends or siblings. As I look back, I can see that each of those times were really opportunities to shape my kids behavior. I guess it really takes a lot of these learning opportunities to help our kids become the kind of people we would like them to be. Hopefully, it will only take 18 years.
So if we take a more long term approach to parenting I think that it can help us keep calm when our kids exhibit all types of negative behaviors that we would love to do away with. Maybe then we can have the foresight to give them time to learn how to manage the negative feelings that overwhelmed them (the tantrums), how to be responsible for their time and their jobs (shirking of chores) and how to navigate familial and social relationships (fighting with siblings and friends).
How would this work?
When our child tantrums, instead of saying:
“Will you stop it already. Why do you always have to cry about everything!”
We can take a deep breathe and help them think of ways to manage the feelings that overwhelm them:
“You seem really upset, you wanted the lollipop (gameboy, new shoes etc.) When you are calm we can talk about some better ways to deal with not getting the things that you want.”
When our child shirks their chores, instead of saying:
“You are so irresponsible. You will be punished the next time you don’t do your job!”
We want to help them think of ways that they can be responsible:
“What would be the best way for you to remember to take out the garbage?”
“How can we set up your room, so your dirty laundry goes in the hamper?”
When our children fight with their siblings or friends instead of saying:
“Will you stop this fighting already! You guys are impossible!”
We can help them navigate their relationships:
“Getting along with others can be tricky. Is there anything we can do here so that you guys can figure out how to get along.”
Parenting our kids to be independent and responsible adults, does not happen overnight. Let’s help them through their growing pangs, thoughtfully and with a long term approach.