One of my most favorite quotes from “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is this:
We don’t accuse we focus on solutions.
How do I use this wonderful phrase in my house?
It goes something like this:
Me:”I don’t care who did it but someone has been mangling my paper clips and leaving them on my desk. It needs to stop!”
My children: “I didn’t do it, I think M. did it!”
Me: “Again, I don’t care who did it. In this house we don’t accuse, we focus on solutions. So whoever is doing it just needs to stop. They know who they are.”
I use it when I slip up:
Me: “Who left the milk out? Oh right, forget that question, we don’t accuse we focus on solutions..The milk needs to be put away.”
I use it to stop sibling rivalry:
A: “She always takes such a long time in the bathroom! She is so annoying! I can never brush my teeth in the morning!”
(Very plausible excuse for poor oral hygiene, actually)
Me: “Let’s not accuse; let’s focus on solutions. T., you need to figure out away to speed up your bathroom routine. A. needs to get in there. How can we work this out?”
So, thank you Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish for your great book and all your great advice. My house would be a very different place without the skills I learned from you.
You can buy your copy here: