When my clients ask me their parenting questions, 9 out of 10 times, I will ask parents, did you put yourself in your child’s shoes and feel what they are feeling? In other words, I am asking them if they empathized with their child.
In all the classes that I teach, I emphasize the importance of using empathy in all of our relationships. If we are empathetic we possess one of the most fundamental people skills. Empathy is also a powerful and essential parenting tool. Empathy helps us reduce conflict with our kids and aids us in building meaningful relationships. When we are empathetic with our children we model for them how to treat people respectfully, how to truly listen and how to sincerely show others care.
When our children are misbehaving we have a hard time being empathetic. We as parents often forget how tough it is to be a kid. For us parents to be truly empathetic we need to get into our children’s heads. One helpful way to do that when we are managing misbehavior is to look at what is really bothering our child and making them act in a negative way. Looking at the situation from the child’s perspective will give us new insights on how to discipline effectively.
I once watched a T.V. show where the producer taped a video camera to the top of a crawling baby’s head. Viewers were able to see a home through a baby’s eyes. The tables and chairs in the kitchen looked giant-like and the living room look like an army obstacle course. It was overwhelming and scary looking. The purpose of the program was to show parents how to baby proof their house. I understood the lesson a little bit differently. I took it to heart. I thought of how to apply this to what I know about being empathetic and how important it is to see the world from a child’s point of view.
For example, one of my clients was just starting to work after being a stay at home Mom. She had a three year old son. She barely had enough time to drop him off at preschool before she ran to work. She was visibly stressed about the whole situation. Her son was giving her a hard time, not wanting to get dressed and not wanting to go to school. She was getting angrier and less patient with him, making it worse. I asked her to take a minute and envision what he must be feeling. She said, “Well, I guess if I am tense and anxious he must be too. I guess we had a very relaxed few years. We never really had to run anywhere. This schedule is really new to him and me. He probably is having a hard time adapting. Also I have been taking care of him and now he has to deal with a teacher, someone he really doesn’t know.”
She continued, “I guess if I empathized with him, I could see how it would make things better. I could acknowledge and reflect his feelings the way we learned in class and he would be more cooperative.”
This Mom went home and did just that. She said things like:
“It is hard to rush in the morning when we used to just hang out in our pajamas for a while.”
“You must miss Mommy sometimes during the day.”
“It can take a little while to get used to a teacher. Soon you will feel more comfortable.”
The mornings although not perfect were getting better.
Empathy has a magical quality to it. When we are able to feel what are children feel we gain a deeper understanding of a child’s emotions.When we empathize with our children we connect our identity to theirs. Children on the receiving end of empathy feel understood and less isolated. This can help them behave better which makes life with them a lot more pleasant and satisfying.