Most experts agree that lying is a pretty typical childhood behavior and is usually a passing phase. Children will start lying at age around age 3. Developmentally they do not know the difference between reality and fantasy. They don’t even know that they are not telling the truth.
At this age they also engage in wishful thinking. They can want a puppy so badly, that they actually tell people they have gotten one. Young children also may not remember what they have done. Once they have spilled the cheerios they move on to their next activity without a backward glance. So when you ask, “Did you spill the cheerios all over the floor?” They will say no, because they might have forgotten that they had done so.
When children turn 4 years old they will start to lie because it is convenient. They would rather continue to play with their legos than get up and brush their teeth so they will lie and tell you they have already done it. Now is also the time that they will lie to avoid punishment. They will say, “I put my baseball glove away, I didn’t leave it in the rain!” so they will not get in trouble. Children will also lie because they do not want to disappoint their parents. They will say they washed their hands to make you happy.
The reasons children lie get more complex as children grow older. Lying is generally a strategy that children use to keep them afloat in some way.
Parents should not worry excessively when their children lie. Becoming a moral, upstanding adult takes time and lots of learning from mistakes. Learning to be honest is one of those lessons that just needs to be learned. Punishing children is not the answer, gentle guidance, is.
There are two strategies parents can use to encourage truthfulness in their children:
1. Never push a kid into a place where they have to lie:
Because children do not like to disappoint parents or get themselves into trouble, parents need to make sure they don’t ask children questions that will put them in a position to lie. Children often feel they have no recourse but to fib when parents ask whodunnit questions: “Who did this?” or “Why would anyone do such a thing?” It is better for parents to set their children up to tell the truth. Parents will usually say, “Who left the chewed up gum in the car?” Instead they can say, “There is chewed up gum on this seat. We need an ice cube and a towel to clean this up!”
Here is another example:
Don’t: Try this:
2. Never call a child a “liar”:
Negative labels can be devastating to children. When a child is told by his/her parents that they are a “liar”, he/she believes they are a liar. Children will then actually consciously or unconsciously work to perpetrate that role. Calling children names, (not just liar, but messy, irresponsible etc.) reinforces negative behavior patterns. In order to foster honesty in children who are prone to lying, parents need look out for situations where their child is telling the truth. It can be about anything. They can point it out by simply saying, “I am glad you told me you that you played with David today at school and that you painted. That is telling the truth about what happened in school today”
Simi Yellen, a parent educator in California, advises parents to use the following phrase when a child lies,”You might wish that happened, but it didn’t” or more specifically, “You might wish you didn’t use her ball without asking, but you did.” This helps parents avoid using negative labels. Also, as we mentioned above, children will lie because they have difficulties distinguishing between reality and fantasy. This phrase also gently helps teach them what actually did happen.
Here is another example:
When children lie, many parents may overreact. They may immediately envision a life of crime for their young child. Parents can rest easy, with some loving discipline their children will turn out just fine.
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