This past year, I had a back injury and was in bed for a week. I had to rely on others, i.e. my kind husband, kids and in-laws to take care of my most basic needs. It was not a pleasant experience. It was tough to be so completely dependent on my family. They were kind, gracious and doting and all I wanted to do was jump out of bed and take my rightful place as caretaker. I remembered when my kids were toddlers and they would yell, “I want to do it myself!” I could really relate.
Let me be free!:
Most people want to be independent. It is a basic human need. Being independent helps you feel that you have some control over your decisions and your fate. It is empowering to be able to think for yourself, take care of yourself, and know you can survive in this world. It is the basis for people’s self-respect and belief in self.
Why do kids fight their parents?:
Although children like that their parents take care of them, they often will fight for their independence. As early as 2, children want to make their own decisions and have control over their lives. This is the cause of many power struggles and conflicts between parents and their children.
Let them choose:
When parents communicate with their children they should recognize the need that children have for independence. Parents should help children feel in charge within a safe framework. The best way to do that is to give children choices.
Giving children choices teaches them how to make decisions and builds their self esteem. They learn to develop problem solving skills. This makes them feel more powerful and in control of their lives.
Be Positive:
Many parents have a hard time using this parenting technique appropriately. Parents will often give their children choices that are not really choices at all. They will say, “You can wear shoes outside or not go out!” “You can get dressed or you can stay in your room the whole day!” “You can play with your friend nicely or I will send her home.” These choices force children into obeying. They do not reinforce or support a child’s need for independence.
In order to help children feel in charge and build their self-respect parents need to give children 2 positive choices.
For example:
“Do you want to go outside with your sneakers or your sandals?”
“Do you want to wear your blue pants or green pants?”
“Do you want to share your dolls or your blocks with your friend?”
Positive choices allow children to exercise their decision-making skills. Parents find it useful because it focuses children on the task at hand. It helps children practice being independent while still feeling secure because parents have structured the choices.
Next week we will discuss more ways to give our children choices.
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Looking forward to hearing from you.