Instead of: Try this:
My daughter is 3 years old and she does not listen. I tell her it is time to go and get in the car and she just continues playing with her toys. I tell her to come in for dinner and she will still continue doing what she is doing. I tell her she is not listening to me and that is wrong and she needs to listen to me. She still doesn’t get it. She just had a hearing screening and her hearing is normal. I need some help getting this child to listen.
Thanks for your question. This is a problem that many parents experience. Here are some ideas of what you can do:
1. Long distance parenting doesn’t work:
Parenting has to be very hands on. Kids have to respond to allow of directions all day long. They need help following those directions. Kids respond better when instructions are given face to face. They have a hard time listening when directions are being given from another room or even across the room. Kids also respond well to visual and tactile cues.
How can this information help you with your daughter? When you are getting ready to leave, bring her coat to her or point to the door. This will allow her to better process the auditory messages that she is receiving. When it is time to leave you can get down to her eye level, touch her shoulder, point to the door and then make your request. You will find she will respond better when you give her directions by making eye contact, touching her, showing her what she needs to do, and maybe even whispering directly in her ear.
2. Focus on the positive:
Any time you want to change a child’s behavior you want to point out the times that they are complying. It does not help children to hear that they don’t listen. What does help is to point out the times that they actually do listen.
“You listened! When I told you I was serving dessert you came to the table. You heard and followed directions!”
“When Grandpa knocked on the door and I told you to open it, you listened. You opened the door for him.”
The more you tell her that she listens the more she will incorporate it as part of her self- image. The more you tell her she doesn’t listen the more she will incorporate that as part of her self-image. Kids believe what we say about them. That is why it is so important to help our children have a positive view of themselves. We want them to receive our praise and think, “I am a good listener!” We don’t want them to say to themselves, “My Mom says I never listen, so why should I bother listening now.”
3. Be specific:
When she does not listen, don’t tell her that she is not listening, tell her what she specifically needs to do at that time. Telling her what she needs to do instead of focusing on what she is not doing will help her understand what you want from her. It will help her comply with your wishes.
For example:
Instead of:
“I told you to get into the car, but you are not listening, you need to listen to me when I tell you something. You should always listen to your Mommy”
Try:
“It is time to get in the car. I need you to stop playing with your toys and come into the car. Getting into the car is what you need to do now.”
If you focus on what you need to her to do she will be able to respond more appropriately.
4. Stay calm:
Sometime kids just like to rattle their parents and not listen to them. They like the attention they get when their parents get mad. They also may like that they have the power to make parents angry. Staying calm in situations like these will put a stop to those feelings. It is helpful to give your daughter a positive way to feel powerful, like being in charge of what she is eating for breakfast, getting to choose an afternoon activity or what book you will read together.
Some children just need some extra help in learning how to listen. Giving lots of cues, praising appropriately, delivering specific directions and staying calm can help kids learn to comply.
I hope this helped.
Good Luck.
Adina
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