Last week we started answering the following question in this post: Building Kids Self-Esteem: Kids Who Talk Down Themselves. Today we will give this Mom the rest of the skills she needs to manage this problem:
Dear Adina,
I am one of those Moms with a “highly sensitive” personality and a mom of 4. My son is 7 and is the second of my 4 children and has the same sensitive personality like me. He reacts to our every correction with hurt feelings saying “you hate me!” and “I am dumb, I can’t do anything!” It is in those times that I know I need to accept him the most, yet not encourage his emotional outbursts. I am not sure how to do that. I also sense that he feels that he has only earned our love if he has done something right or exceptional. I am afraid he is developing into a young perfectionist and people-pleaser (I wonder where he gets that from!).
If you feel that this is caused by a combo of parenting expectations being too high and his sensitivity, should we take him aside and really talk about it, or should we just change our ways of dealing with our son and over time, hope that it helps him.
One more piece of the puzzle, right now, he feels that there is not much he can do that is good enough for his dad. It breaks my heart because that isn’t how my husband feels, he just grew up with a very strict household. One thing I say for him, you know what he really thinks. He isn’t going to lie and say that something is well done when a full effort hasn’t been made… which we differ on whether that has happened.
Any thoughts for me?
3. Be Clear With Your Expectations:
When your are both calm and not in the heat of the moment, you or your husband can show him how to do his job, or his homework in a way that would satisfy you. Let him know exactly what your expectations are. Then you can ask him gently:
“Do you feel like you can handle this? what seems to hard for you? Do you think you will need help for the first few times etc.”
4. “Build Him Up”
You can help build your son’s self-esteem by just noticing that he tries, the effort that he brings to the task instead of the end result.
It sounds like this:
“I see that you cleaned the Legos in the family room and now are working on the puzzles. This room is getting cleaner.”
“Your homework tonight sounds challenging. You books are open and you look ready to tackle it.”
This type of praise builds kids up because they know that they don’t have to be the “best” – they just know they need to try their hardest to succeed. It trains parents to take a good luck at the little things that kids do that might be hard for them. It gives us parents a better view of our kids.
You can read more on praising kids appropriately here:
Praising Kids
Praising Kids: The Secrets To Appreciating Your Child’s Goodness
5.Teach him to evaluate himself
If you feel your son is becoming a people pleaser you can teach him to notice his own achievements. You can start asking him questions about how he felt about his successes.
If he asks:
“Mommy, is it good? Do you like my art project
We can turn their question around and ask:
”What do you like about your art project? What did you enjoy the most when you created it?”
“What do you feel is the most important job when creating art?”
When we ask our children these types of questions, we teach them the following:
Self-evaluation skills. This helps them learn to assess themselves and their accomplishments instead of relying on others.
To have a strong self-image: They are encouraged to internalize what they observe about their own achievements.
Success comes from their inner strengths: They have all the ingredients they need to succeed within themselves. They need to look inward in order to move forward in life.
6. Correct him gently:
Nobody likes to be corrected or criticized. Sensitive kids really take it to heart. I talk about how to correct children most effectively in my Parenting Simply workshop. You can get the audios here: Parenting Simply Workshop
As for your husband you can read this article here to get more ideas on how to manage: Good Parenting: When Your Husband Is Not On Board
In the meantime, let us know what you think!
What else can this Mom do to help her child?
Come and visit our Facebook page, join our community:
www.facebook.com/parentingsimply
You can also sign up for our newsletter on our home page and receive our free email course:
7 Ways To Help Your Kids Listen In 7 Days