When my oldest son was born we lived in New York. Almost everyday I put my son in the stroller and we would take a walk to the Main Street that was right near our apartment. I would window shop or go in and browse for a bit while my son slept or looked around, depending what age he was at the time. We both particularly loved the Disney store and we always stopped in to see their latest display.
As my son get older it got a lot harder to go to the Disney store (or any store for that matter!). He would grab things off the shelves and cry when I made him put it back. It was not a pleasant trip. I asked my therapist friend, “What should I do? He always cries when we go into stores and grabs things and doesn’t understand that it is not his.”
She said, “Do you have to go into the Disney store with him? Can you find someplace else to go, a park, a friend who has a child friendly home?”
I know it sounds strange but this was a revelation to me. A lightbulb went off in my head. It’s like what Albert Einstein said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” In this case it translated into: If I wanted my child to stop grabbing things off the shelves and crying when I took it out of his hands to put it back, I should just not go to the Disney store. I should just avoid the trigger for his bad behavior altogether. I did not have to go into stores. I could (and should) change our routine.
This is advice I give to parents often.
When parents say, “My child always throws a temper tantrum in the grocery store”, I ask them to think, “Does he have to go with you to the grocery store? Can you get a babysitter? Go when your spouse is home? Get your groceries delivered?”
When parents say, “We go out every Sunday night to a restaurant but my child can’t sit still,” I ask them to think, “Do you have to go to a restaurant? Can you bring sandwiches to the park? Can you do take out instead and eat at home?”
When parents say, “My son cries every time he gets into a car.” I ask them to think, “Does he have to get into the car? Can you walk to where you need to go?”
When parents say, “My daughter hates crowds and always hides her face in her stroller until we get home” I ask them to think, “Do you have to go places where it is crowded? Can she stay home with one parent? Can you find her a quiet corner where she can play?”
If we already have the knowledge that our child is not going to be successful in certain situations, if we know that it is going to be a parenting nightmare, it would benefit everyone if we just avoid the situation altogether. It is a simple way to reduce the conflict, power struggles and the poor behavior.
It is tough though, sometimes we don’t want to change our routine. I know it sounds silly but I was a little sad that we would not be going to the Disney store anymore. Its hard to give up restaurant night, or a quick run into the grocery store. It helped me to remember that it was not going to be forever, they do grow up eventually.
We all know that we can’t always avoid going to the grocery store, restaurant, in the car or to crowded places with our children. I know that at those times we need to grin and bear it and find some other creative solutions. But for all the other times, lets try to avoid the trigger for the bad behavior and give us all a badly needed break.