Dear Adina,
My son is 3 years old and he is a very happy go lucky kid. The problem is that he is not very independent, for example, I am still dressing him in the morning. The other day I wanted him to hold his lunch bag and he did not want to. I feel so silly fighting with him about this! What can I do?
Thanks for your question!
It is time for your son to start doing things himself. But it does not seem as if he will do this without a fight. Smart kid! You just want to start a very slow and clever campaign to help him be more independent.
1. Let them know independence is a family value:
The best way to teach is not in the heat of the moment. So when things are going smoothly, it can be over the dinner table, or just when you are playing, you want to drop hints of the principles your family holds dear. You might want to say things like:
- “In this family taking care of ourselves is important.”
- “In this family we help each other out, but it is also important for us to do as much as we can ourselves.”
- “Mommy and Daddy’s job is to take care of you and keep you safe. Part of our job is also teaching you do to things yourself. Sometimes we will do things for you but you should try to do things yourself as well.”
- “Holding lunch bags are things you can do yourself, getting dressed, pouring milk are all things you can do yourself! We are going to work on that.”
You obviously want to balance independence vs. asking for help. There are some people who will never ask for help- you don’t want that- but a healthy balance.
2. Teach independence step by step:
When kids are resistant it is best if you pick one small thing to work on. Try to be upbeat and positive and work from there:
Prepare him:
“Tomorrow Eli we are going to work on putting 1 sock on by yourself.”
Remind him again:
“Today we are going to put one sock on yourself”
Give him lots of choices:
“Which sock, do you want to put on yourself, this one or this one?”
“Which foot should we start with, this one or this one?”
Then praise him:
“You got your sock on!!!!!!”
Move him forward:
“Do you want to put anything else on yourself?”
If he says yes:
“Great what is next…?”
If he says no, be positive:
“Great maybe tomorrow you will try both socks. I can’t wait!”
“Soon you will be getting dressed by yourself.”
3. Avoid power struggles:
If you see yourself at any point heading towards a power struggle, pull yourself out of it by saying something like:
“These are one of the times I feel you can do it yourself. You are not ready yet. Soon you will be ready. Soon you will hold the lunch bag yourself and you will feel so proud of yourself!
If you feel like you can push a little bit try saying:
“Mommy and Daddy want you to grow up and know how to take care of yourself. Part of our job is to teach you how to do things yourself. I would love to do it for you- but this is one of those times you need to do it yourself….”
“Sometimes children need help and I am glad to help, sometimes they can do it themselves and they should do it themselves, this is one of those times.”
4. Practice
It might seem silly but you can practice with him carrying his lunch bag himself. Kids will be more cooperative when they don’t have to do it and then when they need to, they might remember that they have already done it. Usually they think it is funny and humor is a great way to help kids cooperate and end the stalemate.
“Let’s see if you can hold this now, so that tomorrow you will be able to do it, when you need you too.”
You can practice pouring milk, even putting a sock on before bed, washing himself, brushing his teeth etc.
5. Assure him that you will always spend time together:
Sometimes kids feel that when they start doing things independently they will lose you. To reassure him, you can say:
“When you learn to get dressed yourself, we are still going to do lots of stuff together, eat breakfast together, drive to school together, take walks…etc.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
Adina