Posted by our Guest Blogger: Ruchi Koval
Much ink has been spilled on the altar of abolishing the Helicopter Parent: that mom (or dad) who always hovers worriedly nearby, ready, willing and able to don spandex tights and a cape and SWOOP down to save the day!
With forgotten lunches, neglected book reports and excuse notes in tow, this parent unwittingly inhibits independence in his/her kids and stunts their ability to grow into confident adults who have the skills to meet the challenges of life.
What about Helicopter’s arch-nemesis: Rocket Ship Parent?
RSP doesn’t hover helpfully nearby – he or she launches into outer space, allowing the young ‘uns to fend for themselves. Yes, independence is fostered, but at what cost? Lest you associate RSP with dysfunctional homes, I’ve noticed that the efforts to not Helicopter can sometimes result in blasting off without knowing when to be what.
Possibly the right balance involves sometimes being a helicopter, and sometimes being a rocket ship. We need both approaches – the only question is when to apply what. Most parents are by nature wired to lean more heavily to either one side or another, and therefore have to learn the opposite skill, possibly leaning heavily in the other direction for awhile, and then, hopefully, reaching a happy balance where each model is borrowed for the particular situation/challenge/stage as needed.
How does this look in real life?
Personally, I’m more of a rocket ship mom. I’m big into independence, it’s how I was raised, and I think it serves my kids well. I have no strong desire to hover and solve my kids’ problems for them. So I have to find many different ways to nurture and “be there” for my kids. I have to be creative in weighing down the Helicopter side of the equation, consciously, to leave my kids with an emotionally healthy mix of mothering and not smothering.
Take this:
My eight-year-old daughter comes downstairs in the morning and asks me to pour her a bowl of cereal, which she is wonderfully capable of doing all by herself. Do I helicopter (do it for her) or rocket ship (allow her to be on her own)?
Here are some questions that would impact the response:
1. Is she in a place where she’s generally been lazily relying on me to pick up her pieces, or is she generally an independent kind of kid?
2. Am I, practically, available to do this task or am I busy changing a diaper or making lunches?
3. If I encourage her to do it on her own, is it due to laziness on my part, or a sincere desire to mold her into a well-balanced human being?
4. Have I shown her nurturing and special attention recently, or is this an important time for an outward gesture of love?
5. Has she been Rocket-Shipped enough that she even possesses the skills to manage independently?
The answers to all of these questions will help yield the answer. Essentially, the factors you are weighing include the child’s general attitude or expectations in life, your personal “stuff” that may be weighing in, and what the balance kind of looks like heretofore.
What I love about raising kids is that, like nutrition, you don’t need to get all of your vitamins every day. If you look back at the week and basically there’s a good mix, you’re good.
The important basics are: does your child own the skills to behave independently, and do you own the skills to both nurture and stay out of the way? If the answer to both is “yes” then when you do “nurture” by pouring the cereal, driving them somewhere when they can walk, and buying something they don’t need, it will be viewed by your child as a delightful and unexpected surprise, as opposed to a jadedly taken-for-granted menial task.
This “mix of vitamins” will produce, hopefully, well-rounded, confident kids, molded by our acts of love and devotion as well as by a dollop of confidence and trust that they can – and will – meet life’s challenges all by themselves with flying colors.
Ruchi Koval is the co-founder and Associate Director of Jewish Family Experience in Cleveland, runs women’s self-improvement groups, and is a certified parenting coach, blogger, and lecturer. Ruchi and her husband, Rabbi Koval are the proud and busy parents of seven children.
4 Responses
Great article Ruchi. Diana Simeon wrote a helpful article on the topic for Your Teen. http://yourteenmag.com/2012/04/helicopter-parents-2/
And other parents who observe you at any single RSP/HP moment don’t KNOW what that week’s nutrition-balance has been, and so should not presume that this is how you always handle your children. (And vice versa–no judging other parents in the absence of backstory!)
That was a good one, Susan. Thanks. And SBW – that is a very important angle. So very true.
I catch a LOT of flack for being a helicopter mom— nasty comments, rude stares, the whole bit. We were at a Shabbos table once when the 1 and 2 year olds from other families were allowed to wander into the kitchen (knives were on the table there) but everytime my 5 year old would go near the kitchen I’d get up and gently direct her back to the table or the play area. “Just let her be— she’s not hurting anyone!” You have to know your own child and you (and your spouse) are the ones who know your child best. Some children NEED to be helicoptered. Some children NEED to be rocket shipped. My children are EXTREME on one end due to their multiple special needs that even with tons of neurologist and psychiatrist visits and medications and special ed and therapy—– no, I KNOW that if my daughter sees a knife in a kitchen she WILL pick it up and start running with it—– impulse control is a major issue. At this point I’m starting to be able to get away from the helicopter end with one of my twins (her brother), but with her we’re light years away. By the way if you happen to be on our street at 8:00 pm and you hear massive amounts of screaming it’s because I’m attempting to stop helicoptering on the getting dressed for bed front. “come on, you CAN put on your own pants— you’re doing a GREAT JOB! Let’s see who can do it first!” (they scream like I’m torturing them in order to get me to give in and do it for them).