My 5 year old grandson comes to visit infrequently, about twice a year. Because we don’t spend a lot of time together, I want to make the mosts of his visits. He is a very quiet kid. It takes a long time for him to warm up, but even a week into his visit, he still is feeling shy. He barely talks to me. I want to connect with him more. I would love for him to talk to me and be more comfortable in my home. How can I do this?
Thanks for your question. Here are 5 ideas to help you connect with your grandson:
1.Understand where he is coming from:
It is most helpful if you allow him to be himself. Try to appreciate him for who he is, a quiet, probably introspective kid. Kids like him have great imaginations, perceptiveness and cool hobbies (not talking can be one of those hobbies.)
Also, know that talking isn’t the only way people connect. Many people can actually develop relationships without talking. I feel your pain though, it can seem rude and a bit frustrating for the people, like me, who need to connect verbally. Remember, the more you tell him that he needs to talk to you, or that he isn’t talking enough will make him feel pressured, especially if he is not a sparkling conversationalist.
Imagine if you were uncomfortable with someone and they would say, “Why don’t you talk to me? You and I should talk more.” Would you feel like talking to him? No, probably not. You would probably feel like avoiding him even more.
2. Nurture Your Relationship:
You want to make sure that you connect with him non-verbally. Make his favorite food, play a game that he likes or go to the park of his choosing. Take him out just the two of you, but again don’t expect him to talk to you. Just hang out without talking if need be. It can be very liberating to sit in companionable silence.
3. Love him unconditionally:
As I have said before, the more you push him to talk the less comfortable he will be. Tell him how much you value him without expecting anything in return.
You can say:
“I love having you come visit.”
“I am so glad you are here”
“It is so nice to wake up in the morning and come into the kitchen and see you!”
4. Toys:
Nothing loosens up a kids tongue then a trip to the toy store. I don’t suggest this for parents but as a grandparent you have full license to go all out!
5. Talk about yourself:
With children like this, it is helpful to find ways to start conversation in a way that they don’t feel the pressure to respond. One way to do that is to tell him a little bit about your day.
Instead of:
“What did you do? Did you have a nice time at the zoo? How was the lunch I packed for you?”
Try:
“I had a great day today. I met Aunt Sara for coffee and we had a nice time catching up. I hope your day went well.”
Kids also love to hear about what trouble their parents got into when they were little. They also enjoy seeing pictures of their parents as children. That can open up some conversational avenues. Remember, even if it doesn’t, just try to enjoy the fact that he is sitting next to you flipping through a photo album.
Your grandson might never talk that much to you, but if you appreciate him for who truly is, you will have given him great memories of a grandmother who valued him unconditionally.