“We go horseback riding every weekend. My son refuses to get on the horse. He is too scared.”
“I have a huge extended family and we seem to always be having parties.My daughter says the loud music scares her, she covers her ears and will not involve herself in any of the fun activities.”
“My daughter will not go on the jungle gym at our local park. She is too scared.”
I was one of these kids. I was always fearful to try new things, meet new people and jump too high. There are many children out there who are timid and anxious about life.They will refuse to participate in any activities that are unfamiliar or uncomfortable for them. So what can we do to help them be brave?
1. Tell them what they can do:
Whenever we want to improve or correct our child’s behavior we tend to focus on their overall negative behavior. This is discouraging for kids. We will say things like, “You never want to do anything new, you need to at least try to get into the paddleboat. It is not going to hurt you.”
Instead of starting our interaction by mentioning what our kids can’t do, we can focus on the times they did show some courage and use that to encourage kids to move out of their comfort zone. We can say, “Remember the time you didn’t want to visit our new neighbors, but then you did and you had a nice time and now you are friends? This is just like that. It can feel uncomfortable trying something new but in the end it can be worthwhile.”
Even if our kids don’t want to try a new activity we have given them food for thought. They can know that they have tried new things in the past and it turned out well.
2. Look for the good:
When we tell children what they can do we are actually giving children a positive view of themselves. We can take this one step further. We need be on the lookout for any little act of courage on the part of our children. When they show fearlessness we need to point it out to them and let them know they are capable of being brave. When we focus on their courageous behavior even if it is a small act of courage, we reinforce their courageous behavior.
For example:
“You took your strep test, even though you do not like it. That is called being brave.”
“You went to school, even though you were nervous about taking your test. That is called using your courage.”
We can build our children up in this way, giving them concrete examples of how they are courageous in different aspects of their life. This will hopefully carryover to all situations in which they find themselves. They will hopefully say, “I have been brave before, I can do this now.” Instead of, “I am always scared of everything, I can’t handle this.”
3. Be a Fortune Teller:
Children don’t like to be in situations where they are uncomfortable and fearful. No one does. They do need encouragement and comfort. Many times we tell our kids what they should or shouldn’t feel, “Calm down!”, “You shouldn’t be scared.” etc. Instead, we can show respect that they feel scared and let them know that they probably won’t always feel this way. You can say the following:
“Soon you might feel more comfortable going horseback riding. Horses can be big and scary looking. Once you hang around the horses a little bit and see how it is done, you might feel more comfortable.”
“Soon you might feel comfortable with big parties. When children are small it can be overwhelming. When you get older it might not seem so bad.”
“Soon you might feel more comfortable going on the jungle gym. Right now you can go on the slide. Watch the kids on the jungle gym and see how they do it. When you are ready you can try it.”
Developmentally, children have a hard time seeing the future because they are concrete thinkers. They feel encouraged and strengthened when we tell them that they can be brave when they get a little older.