My grandmother used to sing me this nursery rhyme and it has always stuck in my head:
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.
Now as an adult I amuse myself (yes, parent educators can sometimes have a strange sense of humor) and wonder if her parents could have turned this girl and her curl around by using some of the new methods of praising kids. I imagine and hope that by focusing only on her positive behavior and ignoring the negative would have helped her parents straighten her out.
All joking aside, I counsel a lot of parents who have trouble connecting to their kids and get frustrated with their kids negative behavior. I tell them to be on the lookout for any positive acts their child exhibits and praise them by telling them that their behavior is appreciated.
“But let’s say they don’t do anything good?” is often their response. Many parents are looking for extraordinary acts of goodness, when it is just the regular stuff their kids do that needs to be appreciated. Parents also need to avoid using formulaic praise of “good girl/boy”, “great job!” “nice work!” To really motivate children they need to be praised in a way that describes specifically what they have done.
Here are some examples of how to praise children by specifically showing them appreciation for the little things:
I appreciate that you told me you were going over to the neighbor’s house.
I appreciate that you are only using your computer in the kitchen even though you think that rule is silly.
I appreciate that you got your shoes on.
I appreciate that you put your scooter away in the garage.
I appreciate that you turned off the TV right when you were asked.
I appreciate that you put your brother’s bike in the garage when it started to rain.
I appreciate that everyone got along in the car while I was driving.
I appreciate that you moved over when your brother asked you to move.
I appreciate that you listened to me and got into bed even though you did not want to.
Parents will often complain, and say, “Yes, he complied but he complained the whole time.” “He did it, but I had to ask him 3 or 4 times.” It is at those times that children need positive reinforcement the most. To do something that you did not want to do, takes a lot of inner strength. Parents can say, “I appreciate that you went to play outside when I told you to, even though you did not want to. It is hard to do stuff that you don’t want to do.”
Most parents have a tendency to focus on their children’s negative behavior while overlooking the good. When parents shift their thinking and train themselves to see the good in the little things, a huge transformation occurs in their relationship. Whatever parents “mention they strengthen.” It is true in every aspect of our lives and our relationship with others. When parents talk to their children about their negative behavior they feel criticized and it damages their self-esteem. Then they have an even harder time pushing themselves to develop positive behavior. If parents appreciate children’s acts of goodness and praise them, they will see more positive behavior. Their self-concept and self-image will improve.
The formula for improving our children’s behavior is simple. When we give attention to children’s negative behavior we inadvertently reinforce their negative behavior. When we only focus on their positive behavior we reinforce their positive behavior. It takes a while to retrain our brains to look for the good and praise our children but it is well worth the effort. And, if you have any little girls, with lots of curls who are acting up, this might be just what they need to keep them from being horrid.