Everyone needs their feelings to be accepted and heard, and that includes children and adolescents. Although I do not advocate treating our children as friends, I will make an exception in this case and say, when our children are upset and frustrated we should try to listen to them the way we would listen to a friend. When our friends come to us with their problems we we let them know we care, and we help them clarify their feelings. If we are really effective communicators we respond to them by putting ourselves in their shoes and empathizing. According to Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege, “Too often with our children, we rush in and offer suggestions, propose alternatives, or solve problems…….(This can cause )……teenagers in particular to complain that their parents don’t “get me.”
One of my clients lamented, ” My teenage daughter was in a minor car accident, I immediately bombarded her with questions and accusations, Were you watching where you were going? Did you get the other vehicles license plate? I can’t believe you didn’t exchange insurance information! How fast were you going? My daughter was miserable, shaken up and frightened and now she was becoming angry and hurt. If she was my friend I would have said, Are you okay? You seem pretty upset, I can imagine that you were to shaken up to think clearly. We’ll figure out what to do about the insurance and such. Right now you need a hug and a few minutes to pull yourself together.”
Many parents would ask, “If I don’t berate her for not following protocol after a car accident, how will she ever learn? ” There is plenty of time for her to learn after you both have calmed down.
Your conversation can go like this:
“Having a car accident can be really scary, after you pull yourself together we will talk about what needs to be done, like calling the police, etc. First you need to catch your breath!”
If you have already yelled at your child you can say:
“I was really upset before, frankly, I was scared that you were in an accident and very relieved that you are okay. I am sorry I yelled at you. I know that if you weren’t so shaken up by the accident you would have done what you were supposed to. It is hard for anyone to think clearly when they have been in an accident. When we are both settled lets go over what now needs to be done.”
You would be surprised but after children’s feelings are reflected in this way, and they are not accused and belittled, they may start to show feelings of remorse and start problem solving themselves.
“I was so scared, I forgot what I was supposed to do- I forgot to get their license plate and insurance information. Am I in big trouble with the police? should I call the police?”
This should be take as a clear indication that your child is well aware of her responsibilities when involved in an accident.
Yelling and accusing, causes children to miss the problem solving lesson and only focus on defending themselves. Reflecting feelings promotes responsible, independent behavior and creates positive feelings between children and their parents.